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[09 Oct 2006|10:30pm] |
watch as my skin peels
and my bones dissolve
my brain is frying from the same routine
im sick of seeing the same people
the same places
hearing the same things
it's getting so bad that i can actually predict conversations now
im tired of having to have the right to complain
im tired of fighting for my individuality
i want freedom to be able to speak and cry and love and hate
without having to knock down barriers and lose friends to do it
i want the freedom to feel and embrace and speak
without being shutdown
im done with lying to myself
im done with avoiding things
i want to be myself
not a shell
now watch as my hair falls out
and my finger nails break in half
it's torture simply pulling myself out of bed every morning
its not as easy as staying home
as never leaving the house
if i could do that
i would
but the routine yells at me every morning
and it's there when i get home
and the freedom that i gain from the music in my ears becomes pointless
i dont want to be responsible for other peoples lives
i dont want to answer every question
i want to only care for myself
and listen to myself
and maybe once i can impress and change myself
but how can you change what isn't true
listen as my heart beat slows and my breathing stops
watch as my body fades into the snow
lack of creativity
lack of freedom
lack of space
lack of morals
lack of indivduality
it's the new era of failure
and i can only handle myself
its time to cut the rope and keep all the slack
im a one man island
im me
im
i
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[24 Aug 2006|11:37pm] |
 lets make up a secret language that only the two of us can understand.
i'll tell you my deepest secret in the middle of a crowd,
and only you will hear.
(lets explore nightmares)
with our faces painted like warriors
storms roll in
clouds form strange images
showing us our enemies
the thunder is so loud it deathens us
but as the lightning flashes i can see the answers in your eyes
(lets throw ourselves into fate)
and let it run its' course.
i'll let myself float in it's arms
and watch blindly as it throws me into your life.
(lets explore loneliness)
in the depths of my heart the two of us can swim through emotion.
i'll watch as it swallows you whole
and i'm left by myself
please do this now I beg; duct tape my arms and legs.
throw me into the sea, please save me, please save me...
you're just a make believe
just a kiss and tell
(your heart)
the unheard beat puts me to sleep at night
as the unseen chest rises and falls.
lets have another conversation about you&i without the me.
lets have another conversation about what can never be.
your bones are unbreakable
and your skin is cracked
i'll paint over the seams
creating perfection
(truth and fiction)
wiped out in my mind
post-its long since been thrown out
i don't even make any sense any more
endless nights spent tossing and turning
as ships crash against invisiable rocks
and the ghosts withdraw to their watery graves
im in a coma
shake
slap
i won't wake up
(i made everything up)
disorder lives in my head
a whirlwind of lies and truth
its what i insist
lie around the truth
truths cover the lies
shut the door and turn out the lights
it's time to reveal my lowest point
cause I'm still crashing all the funerals of these people that I never knew.
extinction
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[18 Aug 2006|07:16pm] |
my real name is charlotte emily jane. but no one calls me that. even my parents. i prefer charlotte and most of my friends seem to stick to that. for some reason all my guy friends call me char. i usually get along better with guys but now that i've found three best girl friends who i want to share the rest of my life with, i connect better to girls. i like being affectionate, if i'm watching a movie i usually like to lean on people, or at restaurants i like to put my feet in people's laps across from me. i really don't enjoy confrontation. i know i like to act like i do, but if someone ever came up to me and asked me to tell them why i hated them, i'd cower in fear. but as soon as i get online, or through texts, i can tell people exactly what i think. that's why i don't like talking on the phone, unless it's with a few select people who i'm comfortable with. but don't take it personally if i try and hang up as quick as possible. i have a cell phone that's permanently attached to my hip. i love when my phone rings in public. i wish i had a better phone though, one where i could be online all day. i can't drive, i failed my learners and decided to never take it again. being in cars scare me. if i ever had to drive one i might have a panic attack. i don't really have a favorite food. i don't eat that much. unless i'm at a sleepover or in a takeout restaurant. if i eat too much my stomach bloats and i look like my ex-best friend. when i was a baby i used to get stomach aches because i would eat too fast. i still do. i'm worried about weight, much like every other girl out there. in the november of grade 10 i suffered a bout of anerexia for about 3 maybe 4 months. i stopped eating and became paranoid of calories. i managed to stop but i still catch myself reading the back of packets and throwing half eaten meals away. because of this i depend on drinks to fill me up. i drink far too much diet coke. i get through a 12 pack every week. i also like powerade and red bull. i don't have a favorite color. most of my shirts are either white, gray, or black. i wish my room was smaller. i feel crowded and cluttered in the basement, but i've lived in the basement most of my life. my room's really childish and i wish i could move upstairs to the spare bedroom. i'm trying to throw everything out of this room. i sit in my computer chair the most. or on a swing. i listen to mostly hardcore music, metal, and punk. music is my life. like all my friends. i can see all of us doing great things. i want to be internet famous. i want my friends to be famous world wide. i've never really had a proper boyfriend. not one that i've fallen completely in love with and wanted to be with everyday. i usually get bored of them after about a month. i'm jealous of my life partner because of her relationship. i suffer from loneliness 24/7. even when im with my friends, i still feel lonely. i think it might be due to the fact that i moved every two years growing up and i'm an only child. i've always wanted a dog to keep me company. someone who will be with me all the time but won't yell at me. i want to move in with my life partner next summer because she's my other half. we found each other last july, but it feels like forever. even though we fight a lot recently, i know it's just a phase. i secretly hope that when i move in with her my loneliness will be cured. im horrible at school, this year im in all the dumb classes. i dont see school as important. i'd much rather be at a show. which is why my grades suffer so much. im planning to attend ACAD next year. but at the back of my mind i hope that laura&i don't get in first year so that we can tour all year long. i tend to walk away from people i know on the street. especially if they're with people. i fit in at shows because i don't try. if i tried to make friends no one would accept me. that's why i love the friends i have more than anything because i know i'm lucky to have them at all. my favorite part of a boys mind is his sense of humor. my favorite part of a boys body is his hair. i'm a sucker for beards. im straightedge. but sometimes im afraid to tell people that. the scene is so fucked up nowadays that straightedge has just become a joke. if i told people i took it completely serious, i honestly don't think they'd believe me. i don't care if you drink, smoke, or do drugs around me. i won't yell at you. it's not a big deal to me if you're not straightedge. it only annoys me when people claim to be straightedge but aren't. if someone is trying to become straighedge i will be more than willing to help them. even if they slipup, i won't get mad. i understand that its hard. i just wish i could help them more. i love hardcore dancing. i don't have enough confidence to go in the pitt myself. but i love watching it. i love getting IMs. i love changing my AIM away message. i like to pretend people read it. im only photogenic cause i deleate the bad ones. i wish i could go get piercings and tattoos because it would set me out. i would have something to be proud of on my body. i have bad posture. i sleep on a futon. those two things make my back ache 24/7. i don't complain about it though because it's always there. im scared to get massages because people will see my body. i don't like my titts, but i do like my cleavage. i don't like my stomach but i do like my hip bones. i don't like my ass but i do like my legs. i don't understand itunes or podcasts. i have an old ipod. i like updating my livejournal. i like expressing my feelings in words. im writing this because i read somewhere on someone's myspace that writing down your different characteristics (bad and good) really shows who you are. i want to know who i am. but re-reading this i'm just a confused girl who likes simple things. who loves her music. who loves her friends. and who wishes a lot. maybe i should write bad things.
i backstab. i talk behind people's backs a lot, then deny it to their face. i would never backtalk my life partner. and i know she wouldn't either. i make fun of other people's music tastes. even though mine aren't that great. i make fun of the way people dress. i lie a lot. im messy. im bossy. im jealous. im vain. i need constant attention. i steal people's boyfriends. and i would consider cheating. i lose my temper very easily. im a very angry person. i may not look like much but if you got me mad enough; i could really hurt you. i guess i've run out of things to type.
i guess i wish everyone would read this so they could understand.
maybe they could explain me to me?
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[19 Jun 2006|09:33pm] |
everyone join ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) jewhoe
seriously.
do it.
or I'm kicking you in the box.
even if you don't like Joe.
I don't care.
Join it.
But if you LOVE JOEEEEEEEEE FROM FALL OUT BOYYYYYYYYYYYY
join it...
duh.
jewhoe
seriously.
me and tabbi pwn
and so you should join it just so you can read our updates.
DO IT
jewhoejewhoejewhoejewhoejewhoejewhoejewhoejewhoejewhoe
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